You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
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I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
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The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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