even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
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Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
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Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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