we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
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Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
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Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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