even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
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Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
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It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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