Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
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my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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