that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
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I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
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Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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