My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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