Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Enjoy the penises
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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