My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this must be what syphilis tastes like
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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