I wish I only lived at night.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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