If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
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He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
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running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
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