I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
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