I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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