he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
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2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
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Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
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