Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
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one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
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Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize