Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
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Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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