pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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