omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
We have so much sex to catch up on
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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