Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
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I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
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Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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