dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
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We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
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I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
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