How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
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I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
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