Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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