we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
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Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
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I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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