so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
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do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
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you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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