I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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