i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
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