Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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