And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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