and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
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I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
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Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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