so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
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I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
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40s are totally the cure
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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