I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
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Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
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Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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