my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
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i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
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A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
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