My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
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Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
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The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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