His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
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Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
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I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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