my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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