i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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