Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
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she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
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I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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