I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
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I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
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The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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