She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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