Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
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It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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