I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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