So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
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Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
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This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
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