we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
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Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
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Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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