youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
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