I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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