i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
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He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
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how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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