haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
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