I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
This gyro tastes like lonliness
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
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She even gives head with a lisp.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
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I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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