so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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