2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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